rise and smile sunshine!!

there are two kinds of people… the kind that wakes up at the first traces of orange in the sky and with a dreamy smile and says, “ah, here’s a new day!”, and buzzes about in an annoyingly, cheerful manner, brushing their teeth and zipping around the house (i subscribe to this type, anyone with a problem with this can leave the building).
and then there is the other kind… these are the creatures of the dark. this kind floats around the day like a battered zombie, scowling at any traces of chirpy-early-morning-joy. these creatures come to life in a ‘vampirish’ sort of way, when the orange vapor lamps flicker to life, and all traces of the flaming orb ebb and die (the husband subscribes to this type).

i am on my second cup of coffee, the plants have been watered, the clothes folded and put away, the dishes sorted and put back and the husband stirs grudgingly and manages to drag himself out of bed… and after blinking at me three times, standing at the doorway… goes and sits on the computer to play football!

the first few times that this happened, i found this endearing (i can explain this)… with the hazy, muddled brains of a newly married, (not) blushing bride, i supplied the husband with chai, breakfast, just about falling short of matching his socks and undies to his shirt and laying them out in neat rows.
quite like in bollywood of the 80’s, remember? husband has to go to office, his shirt button pops out in the very last minute, and the wife stitches it for him while he is still wearing it (isn’t that dangerous?), there are no scissors around of course, so she leans up, all hot and flushed and bites (bites?!) the thread off, the husband is all steamy and horny and draws her closer, cut to flowers and bees and camera going round and round in mad, rabid circles, music reaching a
tinkly crescendo!

today, after two months into wifedom, my reactions are not so syrupy. when the husband shows any inclination of virtual-kicking-around-of-the-ball for a minute too long (see, i let him do this for some time, i am reasonable), i get all bristly and cold, i can feel a slow, murderous rage seeping into my otherwise meek soul.
i feel like a pressure cooker with a mission.
at first, i sniff and do this whole raised-eyebrows-disapproving-pout-thing, then i bang the vessels around in the kitchen a little louder than necessary, when even this does not work, i zip around within his cone of vision, wearing a tired expression, muttering about how its such a bitch that it is a mans world and what i think should be done to all the little penises who grow up thinking the world’s about foot massages and blow jobs… usually this evokes a reaction.

these days, i see even this does not… sigh…
what are all these delusional idiots talking about on shaadi.com? “he should be decent, shave six times a day, his pockets should bulge with (of all things, this is such a poor choice) crisp notes, he should have a corpulent bank account (two or three swiss bank accounts are welcome), should smear vibuthi on his forehead and pay obeisance to 102 gods…”,
you poor bastards (and i cringe to address us women like this, but sometimes these things have to be done for larger good)!
this is what you need to figure… which of you subscribes to which cycle, is it diurnal or nocturnal? who is the pig and who is the obsessive compulsive cleanliness freak? who’s the lazy lump and who is the sugar-crazed hyperactive blur?

you get this right… and it wont even matter if you climax only annually.

so here's the latest strategy. i have several depending on which day of the week it is.
on some days, i move sinuously around the husband and wear my best 'garbo-esque' seductive whisper,"sweetheart, (pause... let him take this in...i play with his hair), will you please do the dishes, baby?" (believe it or not, this works ladies)
on other days i simply holler. no, no, no. not a full throated, chest-thumping holler, a whiny-drippy-grating holler, the kind that detaches asses from computers.

if this stops working (i have worked this out), i am going to walk upto the fridge, take out a bottle of cold water and pour it down the CPU and the husband. everyday.